I’m struggling. There I said it. It’s out there now. It’s over a year since mum died I’ve never felt so lonely and alone.

The last year has simply flown by. I’ve tried to keep myself busy and to do so many things. Stuff that I could never have done while mum was still with us and financially its taken her death to allow me a bit of freedom to get myself straight after all of these years.

But I’m still not happy and feel that I need to have a partner to give me something to look forward to and someone to talk to. A sounding board to bounce thoughts off and to respond to.

Weight

My weight has gone back to where it was in February 2018. My fitness level has also dropped back to where I was at that time. Food has become a massive problem again with more money being spent on takeaway food and snacks etc.

I should be doing more cooking but I just can’t be bothered. I sit on my arse all day in front of my computer. I work and then I take two steps to my right at 5pm then sit on my arse all night watching telly or playing games on the PlayStation.

I’ve not felt great for a while. Certainly since New Year, I’ve had a bug that has been with me for three weeks now. I did see the Nurse Practitioner yesterday. She weighed me and I have very much been in denial about things. My weight has gone back up to close on where I was when I started my journey back in 2018. I’m not as big but I’m not far off it.

You know, I can see it when I go and have a shower in the morning. I look in the mirror and there’s a blob staring back. It’s not a pretty sight for anyone.

Mental Health

I think that my mindset has just been so negative for far too long. Nice things have happened to me but it feels that with every high, the low hits faster and longer than anything else. There have been some good night’s out and some great gigs over the last 12 months but once they’re over, I come back to this empty house and sit in silence.

It’s time to see about focusing on the positives. I have a new role at work and while it’s only been a few weeks, it’s a huge adjustment from my normal day. I don’t know if I’m doing stuff right or what!

I need to get back to walking. Working from home means that I’m doing no steps at all. I’m sitting there thinking about snacks and food, wondering if I should get a delivery of junk food. Perhaps I need to get out and do the Thornhill Mile tonight but guaranteed I’ll find some excuse.

The Love Life

Is completely non-existent. I’d not heard from her for six months. Then just around Christmas time, I started to get messages from her. I ignored them but they kept coming. She even came to the house one evening and left a box of tea bags that she’d won in a raffle. There was a note with it and a few days later quite an extensive email.

I had to respond and put my point of view. She did reply and I hope that it will be the last time that I hear from her. She is going to Steelhouse this year so I may bump into her there but if it happens so be it.

What’s next?

So I do need to start walking again. Just locally up and down the street. The extending the walks so that I can get back to where I was before the Pandemic. Wanders around Roath Park should be back on the menu. Then who knows, I may get back to the gym that I’m paying £20 a month for!

We shall give it a go. I will be back.