I don’t think I was ever destined to be a thin person!

My whole life has been dominated by food, so much so over the years that it has turned me into a recluse, rarely going out of the house, joining in groups or getting involved with others. 

My size precluded me from joining gyms and even going for walks around the block. My anxiety was so high that I’d believe that everyone I passed was looking at me and ridiculing me for my size. My mind would be spinning with negative thoughts that would push me into the arms of a delicious doughnut or packet of crisps. 

I let it go on for years. The anxiety forcing me to hide away in the week. Of course there was relief from that in the shape of an evening out listening to very heavy rock music but that would be accompanied by beer, rum and no doubt a takeaway or curry and chips afterwards. 

Then I decided that enough was enough. Slimming World came to the rescue. The unjudgmental consultants and other members all there for the same reasons. It was more than a “fat club”. The people who attended the meetings were supportive of all the other members. There was free flowing banter and just a great atmosphere where you knew that your efforts would be appreciated.

The plan succeeded in many ways. I had a goal set and a means to achieve it. My mind was in the zone and I wanted to win at this. I wanted to beat my demons and say no to a piece of cake or the offer of a packet of crisps. I learned that I could say yes to these things so long as it was kept in check and included in my daily allowances.

Lockdown

I’ve blamed my recent gains on loads of different things. The worry and stress of having to deal with a mother who is in care, her health failing in front of my eyes. The sale of her home to pay for the care that she needs. The inability to bring myself to let go of the house and her possessions just in case I fuck it up and give away something that she wants. 

Having a sedentary job, working from home means that I don’t get as many steps in every day like I used to. Having only half an hour for lunch means that I can’t get out for a quick wander. There’s not much sign of going back to the office yet although I’m not sure that I actually want to. 

And of course the lack of Slimming World groups to go to. I know that it has been online and yes I get it but I’m pointless in a virtual meeting. I just don’t feel that would work for me. I can’t wait for groups to return so that I can re-join and get back on plan.

I am completely at fault. There is no one else to blame for anything. I have to make my own bed on this occasion. I know how to lose the weight. I’ve done it before and I should be able to do it again. 

I wonder if I should ask my doctor about a counselling service. I know that it’s worked for friends. My head needs to be examined. It would be nice to find out what happened to turn my mind to food whenever I need comfort. Why can’t I go for a walk or exercise when I need comfort?

Where are we?

So after a really bad weigh in this morning, I do really need to reign in the strings of the feedbag and seriously look at the crap that I’m putting in my mouth. I need to ensure that what I am eating, I log and keep a track of. I’m nearly four stone up from where I was at my lowest weight back in November 2019. 

Standing on the scales each week and slowly watching the weight creep back on is not good. I see it as a seriously bad thing and that I’m never going to be able to bring the weight back down. My mind gets the message it’s bad and so I reach for the comforts again.

The bike has been in the kitchen for weeks. I’ve not gone anywhere on it recently and worry that my weight is too much for the bike. The rear wheel feels to be compressed when I sit on the seat and that could be a bit of a problem if I’m belting down the road. I know I need to use this bike and I need to get and ride it. An alternative could be to buy a stand so that I can use it as an exercise machine while I bring the weight back down to an acceptable level.

The walking has gone a bit by the wayside too. I did complete a five miler last weekend but nothing since. I’m scared of doing some more damage to my back. I’m still getting that ache that gets worse, the further I walk. Not sure if it’s a posture thing. Perhaps a proper pair of walking boots might help with that. 

The week ahead.

So this weekend will see the clearance of mum’s house. I will need to go and make sure that I keep a few pieces back and bring them home. There are piles of photographs that I need to bring back and some pieces of crockery and pictures off the walls. It’ll be an expensive and no doubt emotional weekend. I’m not really looking forward to it but it has to be done.  The rest of the week I will have to try my best to get through it as best as I can be. 

Again, thank you for your time reading my ramblings.